THIS JUST IN, OBAMA WAS BORN IN HAWAII!!!!

STOP THE PRESSES, STOP THE GOD DAMN PRESSES NOW!!!! I HAVE MONUMENTAL, HUGE, POTENTIALLY LIFE CHANGING NEWS FOR ALL OF YOU!!!! OBAMA(YOU KNOW....THE PRESIDENT) YA, HE WAS BORN IN HAWAII! I KNOW HUH! I'M JUST SO TOTALLY IN SHOCK AND AWE MYSELF!

THANK GOD! NOW THE RECESSION IS OVER, THE WARS ARE DONE, OUR DEFICITS ARE HISTORY, THE BUDGET IS BALANCED, UNEMPLOYMENT HAS DROPPED, AND GAS PRICES ARE NOW $1.43 A GALLON!!! THANK YOU MEDIA FOR TREATING US LIKE WE'RE ALL A BUNCH OF IDIOTIC 10 YEAR OLDS BECAUSE WE ARE! WE DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANY OF THOSE THINGS I JUST LISTED. WHAT WE REALLY, TRULY, FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR HEARTS CARE ABOUT AND LOSE HOURS UPON HOURS OF SLEEP OVER IS ONE SIMPLE QUESTION. WAS OBAMA BORN IN HAWAII?

BUT NOW THAT'S SETTLED! THANK YOU CORPORATE MEDIA FOR KEEPING US WELL INFORMED ON THE BIG ISSUES OF THE DAY. WHAT DID I JUST HEAR OVER THERE?? HUH? RECESSION? AAAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! YA, WHO CARES? THE RECESSION, LOOK AT THIS GUY OVER HERE?:) MR. RECESSION AHAHAA YOU! YA....NO, I DON'T! THE UNPAID FOR WARS WE ARE IN DO NOT CONCERN ME JOEY! SHUT UP! I CARE ABOUT WHAT THE MEDIA TELLS ME TO CARE ABOUT AND THAT'S TWO, IMEAN THREE THINGS....WHO GOT KICKED OFF OF DANCING FOR THE STARS? HOW THE ROYAL WEDDING IS GOING TODAY, AND WAS OBAMA BORN IN HAWAII!?! THAT'S IT!

NOW THAT I KNOW THAT OBAMA WAS BORN IN HAWAII I CAN REST EASY TONIGHT! THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN, AND OF COURSE FOX NEWS FOR KEEPING ME UP TO SPEED WITH WHAT CONCERNS MY LIFE IN A HUGE, HUGE WAY! NOW EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO WATCH BIGGEST LOSER NOW!